v***@public.gmane.org
2005-10-12 21:53:34 UTC
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down? "The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
beer."
____________________! ___________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She
walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him! , she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time ..but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almos! t sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Don't Frown - You Never Know Who Is Falling In Love With Your Smile
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down? "The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
beer."
____________________! ___________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She
walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him! , she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time ..but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almos! t sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Don't Frown - You Never Know Who Is Falling In Love With Your Smile